Hey, before I get to the task at hand... what is it with Leonardo diCaprio and predictable movie endings? I mean, we all know he's gonna be stiff as a board by the end of this thing, and that the boat sinks in his other big movie. And you could even say the Basketball Diaries was fated as, well, they're based on a real life that went in a specific direction. I have no point or joke, I just felt like noting this trend.
Besides,
it helps distract me from the Capulet loony bin. If you thought this movie was
hyperactive before, after Romeo chews some of that sweet LSD, he's on a whole
different BPM for the song of his life. Get ready for some of the must warped
and absurd images you'll face in this movie, including the ever horrifying :
THE
DIVA'S DANCE! And it's not some smurfy blue alien, this time, it's Mercutio
making the Village People weep in joy. Actually, when did I step out of R&J
and end up in the Rocky Horror Picture Show? Do I have to throw my underwear
at the screen now? Oh, dear. This always happens to me.
Well,
even Romeo can get a little motion sickness, as the world spins around and ghost
party guests talk to him and The Pointer Sisters provide the soundtrack. So,
here he is, just sort of woozing away before heading off to get some water splashed
in his face, which as everybody knows counters the effects of acid perfectly.
(We'll revisit 'Stoned to the Eyeballs' Leo when we take a spin through The
Basketball Diaries at a later date.)
Note the Elizibethan dude urinating in the background. Ahh, it's things like that that really compose the visual canvas independent filmmakers use to move human emotion like pieces on a chessboard...
But wait!
The young hero has seen the young waif, and LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OCCURS! Bliss!
...although I'm of the opinion that Romeo is still absolutely whacked out on drugs. Look as he gazes dreamily at the pretty blacklight fish. I can see inside the heads of others, you know. It's just one of my many strange and mystical powers. And right now, they're thinking :
JULIET : "Oohhh... what a handsome boy! I think I'm in love with him even
though I have no clue who he is! He sees me -- oh no! Am I pretty enough? He
must like me. *blush*"
ROMEO : "Whoooaa, man, that fish has huge eyes and big lips. And it's mutating
into a puffy yellow cloud with little Jane Fondas crawling all over it. Coool."
Yes, poor Romeo's drug addled little brain likely is doing this whole love at first sight thing as a result of a severe chemical imbalance and a hyperactive libido. Because right away they're all kissy-touchy-feely poetry recited in spades. Of course, neither has said 'So, you wanna, like, screw or what?' but I'd hazard it's headed there shortly.
...although,
he's still a better pick compared to Juliet's other suitor, Paris. I'm going
on the books right now. This is quite possibly the whitest man alive. I bet
he eats mayonaise sandwiches and listens to N'Sync. See here, as he invites
Juliet to dance, and he does the Collect Call From 1-800-CALL-ATT, that silly
jumping down the middle of the dial thing. And Juliet is just trying real hard
not to laugh at what a freaking loser this guy is, as she looks at her friends
offscreen and silently begs for their forgiveness for ever going near this man.
Poor Paris. He really is a dunce, and never quite catches on to anything in
the original play; and he gets whacked, too, in the original. He's just shuffled
off to the horizon here, and that's probably for the best. Maybe he'll settle
down with a woman who wears pearls when she vaccuums, and everybody will be
happy.