We're getting into this full swing now, folks! Act I, Scene I! Yes, it's those crazy Montagues walking along, exchanging pussy jokes (I'm not kidding, folks, read the original) and bragging. Those witty Italians! (or were they French?) So, in this version, we see--

AAA!! What happened to Matt Pinfeild? And look at these guys! They're... they're weird raver surfer dudes with not so bright looks on their faces and really pathetic comic relief gags! Nooooo!

But alas, it's true. 'Da Montague Boyz' as they are identified are highly representative of what is to come in this movie. Don't get me wrong, people, I'm not discriminating against these freaks because they're freakish. No, there are many other highly justifiable reasons to poo-poo them.

You see, this is their idea of a grand insult to taunt the Capulets with. Dost thou bite your thumb at me, sir? No, I chew on it while waggling my hands and going 'DUUUUUH!' And this apparently is the gravest insult one can lay onto another sentient being, highly worth a brawl for all in response. I don't know, I kind of thought the one from BaseKetball was better :

"How's your mother been?"
"She's dead."
"I guess that's why she didn't move around much."

Losers.

...but allow me to step out of 'Bitch Rant' mode for a minute. Because now, Benvolio shows on the scene... and man, he is my FAVORITE character in R&J. Not just this movie, but the play. Allow me to explain why.

You remember Horatio, from Hamlet? The poor sod whose sole role in the film was to stand idly by and be able to do nothing but watch as everything went ironically wrong? And then he was expected to live to tell the tale while standing waist deep in dead Danes. Well, that's Benvolio's lot in life, too. Sure, he pals around with Romeo, but whenever Romeo isn't looking, he's got that look of concern. He sees everything slowly but surely going to hell, and is powerless to stop it -- a weak man, who could have maybe made a difference if he was able to stand up to Romeo's passion and proactiveness, two things he lacks. Instead, he's forced to bear witness to Tybalt's slaying, and give up Romeo as the culprit. And the actor in this version pulls off Benvolio very well; a loyal friend, a coward, a powerless man caught in the forces of fate as nothing more than a spectator. Beautiful.

I apologize for subjecting you to coherent thought. Now, on with the slaughter.

Okay, anyway, the Capulets get all pissed off, Tybalt comes out and talks some smack (I wonder if the Montagues work for WCW, they're about to seriously job off to Tybalt) and swords are drawn, so we can test the mettle of man with the sharp edge of skill and the talents of a blademaster.... err.

...we have a problem. See, the SCRIPT calls for 'swords'. But the WORLD calls for 'guns'. So what do you do? You call your guns swords and hope nobody notices. Yes, instead of packing your gats, heaters and nines, you're now hauling along longswords, rapiers and daggers. Err, okay. Whatever you say, dude, it's your movie... and that in itself would be okay. I mean, this is America. We LIVE on ultra-cool shoot 'em up flicks. Yeah! I can see this! Okay, guns in Shakespeare, cool, yeah! Let's kick some ASS!

...hey. HEY! The hell is this? They're jumping around twirling their guns and posing while shooting up lame stuff like signs and oil cans! And that guy's just standing around like a dumbass and getting bonked with some lady's purse. People, this is NOT a gunfight. In a gunfight, you shoot at the other guys with intent of slamming lead slugs through them until dead. I mean, if I sat there for a full fifteen seconds showing off how cool I can spin my shiny silver 'swords' with the Virgin Mary embossed in the hilt, some bastard would perforate me. Trust me, I play Quake 3, so I know a thing or two about real world firearms. I think.

Okay, so, they're not quite up to speed on this whole Woo-ism gunfight thing. Maybe if they get the slapstick hijinks over with, I can...

...watch a riot. Yes, apparently this little circus of wussdom wasn't content to just torch a gas station, it had to errupt into a city-wide episode of civil unrest with cool looking stock footage and helicopters and stuff. Madness in every street. People running and screaming. And cars, parked at askew angles with their lights left on -- always the first sign of chaos and insanity in an urban environment. Or the sign of a really bad day at the mall.

Please note that Benvolio and Tybalt don't have a scratch on them. What are these guys, Imperial Stormtroopers? Were they too busy posing and shooting at the scenery in cool ways to actually hammer a few plugs into each other? Maybe Verona's like those wild west light gun shooting galleries you see at amusement parks. I bet if you zoom in real close on this shot, you can see all the little red/white/blue bullseyes! Yeah! If you zap the bus, the horn will honk! Zap the pedestrians and they run around hitting each other with broken bottles! Zap the cowboy at the piano and he'll play a little five second ditty! Whee! Yahoo! Riots are fun.

...proceed to Baz Lahrmann's Melrose Place