Grab your 'swords' and your giant neon crosses, because it's time for

(20th Century Fox release, directed by Baz Luhrmann)

Ah, the classics. Works of poetry and art the likes of which shall never be seen again. But wait! here it is again! But something's amiss. There's big-ass 1950's style boxlike cars! There are guns aplenty! And as much Radiohead as your ears can stand! What's going on?

Well, I'll tell you, because you're such a nice person. This is Romeo and Juliet, with a hip, teenybopper style. It's Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet. I'm sure you know the man. He's responsible for 'Parker Lewis Can't Lose', the show that elevated surreal coolness to an artform. He even brought us that damn Sunscreen song. Love him or hate him, the guy has a pretty unique take on Romeo and Juliet that doesn't really resemble all those other unique takes on modernizing Shakespeare in ways that barely fit. (Ever see Henry V? 'A horse, my kingdom for a horse?' Of course, he was riding in a broken down Panzer tank at the time. Whee.)

(Actually... I rather like this movie. It's insane and stupid and a lot of fun. So, keep in mind this task I take in disembowling it is an act of love. ...not that I'd buy this thing on disc, of course.)

Anyway, I'd suggest taking some kind of motion sickness pill, because screenshots do NOT do the cutting style of this movie justice. Oliver Stone would get down on his knees and weep at the sheer speed of shots. Pocket Monsters would pack up and go home. Let us, for example, examine the prologue. Here's a copy of the text that I found on the net :

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Purdy, ain't it? All dem flowery words, intended to be spoken by a narrator. (And just barely pulled off, if you buy 'Shakespeare in Love'.) So.... how exactly does THIS flick approach that? Words can barely describe it, so here are pictures.

Why, look! Rommy and Julie made the evening news! And how cute, there's even an apostrophe on star cross'd. I have to wonder how these guys would have covered the Monica Lewinsky saga of shame. 'Lo, for the President didth not keep himself zipper'd, in fair Washington, where we lay our scene.' Speaking of which, just in case you didn't remember our fair scene from this narration :

Damned if Baz is going to let you FORGET. No no. Not in this high speed montage of character intros and repeating bits. You can count on this being flashed up on screen many, many times. So, is Verona really all that fair? Isn't that a bit harsh? You couldn't say 'in pleasant Verona' or even 'in above average Verona'. No, it only rates FAIR in your book. Bastard. Well, here, have a look for yourself.

Holy crap, where IS this place? I can't think of any cities with huge angular Jesus statues towering all over the place and cheesy advertising written in something resembling middle english. And wow, those are BIG signs for Capulet and Montague (which are apparently containing Legitimate BusinessmenTM). Now, I've read through the director's notes, and apparently 'Verona Beach' is meant to be some twisted hybrid of Miami and Mexico City. ...okay. Whatever you say, Baz, it's your show. Oh, by the way, from --

-- break to --

-- where --

Boy, THAT was stylish, wasn't it? But wait! Now the magic screen informs us that

AAA! You bastard! You spoiled the damn ending for me! Foul! Foul! Unfair! May heaven's wrath reign down on Baz Luhrmann for this atrocity! I might as well shut this off and go watch something else, like Species or Species II or Species IVXIIWMC or something. Now, THOSE are the true 'classics'.

But no, I'm determined to put in a good show at ripping this thing to bits, so let's move on to the cast of characters! All of whom are flashed up real fast and I don't feel like wasting my breath covering them, but --

This dude is cool. Every line he has is either whispered angrily or screamed at the top of his lungs, sometimes with the aid of Tom Greene's megaphone. And it's damn cool that the local royalty was elevated to cop status for this remake. Police state! Rage against the machine! FIGHT THE MAN!

...why exactly does he still claim to have lost a brace of kinsmen in the end when they cut out Paris getting whacked? But I'm getting way ahead of myself. No, there is much ado about hyperactivity to handle first. Onward, my legions!

...proceed to Bah Luhrmann's "Hard Boiled"