Grab your katana and piano wire, because it's time for

(Manga Video release, directed by Yoshiaki Kawajiri)

So, here we are, studying the ancient and honorable traditions of Japanese culture known as 'Anime'. Those unwashed heathens of you who are unfamiliar with the term are little more than dogs begging for scraps off the Cartoon Network. But fear not. For we will educate you through the inscrutable and venerable teaching tool known as 'Ninja Scroll'.

But wait! It's not actually CALLED 'Ninja Scroll', now, is it? No, it's actually called 'Wind Ninja Jubei Chronicles' or something similar in Japanese. Although they'd use Japanese words for it. And for some reason, all the voices are in English despite being in Japan, unless you shelled out the extra ten bucks Manga Video wants for a subtitled version! And if that wasn't puzzling enough, the movie can't decide if it's a romance, a bloodsoaked action thriller, or a political mystery!

While you reel in the shock, I'll be starting the show. Sorry, but time and mass murder wait for no one. Please be aware that although technically unrated, this film has enough dismemberment and perversion to make David Cronenberg need to take a cold shower, so parents, take the kids and seal them in concrete until they're 18. Also, because I went a LITTLE insane in the vidcappin', you can expect one long hard ride to the end of this film -- about 60 images in total. Oi vey! Or as they say in Japan, 'Oziyumi hiyakawa no entre vous domo baka tu est une hentai!'

Meet Jubei. (Hi, Jubei.) He's a ninja. Or a ronin. Or a samurai. Or something. He has a nice hat. He eats riceballs. And if you jam an iron spear through a wooden bridge four inches away from his nose, he will not flinch. Those of you who are familiar with the previous mangling, Blade, will instantly recognize this. "Oh," you'll all say in unison, "He must be a badass." And you would be right. But not in any way you might expect.

You see, Jubei is so badass, that he can even jokingly offer some disreputable thugs a bite from his riceball so they won't feel cheated on a recent job he pulled. (This is very unhygenic. I know that whenever I eat a riceball, if someone asks for a bite, I'd scream 'NO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!' and strike them between the eyes with a five pound hammer. But that's just me.) Jubei is so badass that he can throw said confection into the air, slash up the three thugs and dispatch them nicely, and then CATCH THE BALL. Yes, he can whip you like a Jello pudding snack all in the time it takes for that white globe to descend at 9.8 m/s^2. How many of YOU can claim that? Huh? Huh? I guess that's why you're not the Wind Ninja Jubei. Losers.

Anyway, the point is that Jubei is such a badass that he doesn't even NEED to illustrate that he's a badass -- and when he feels like doing it, he does it to the NINES. Unlike Blade, who has to pose and look all hard and mean in his shiny leather constantly, Jubei can act like a totally ordinary, occasionally complaining-type dude and get away with it. As we'll see, he can act just like you and I, wanting to avoid messy situations and telling people to be cool and then at key times cut them into six equal pieces before you can say " ". Kind of reminds me of some mideval japanese Chili Palmer.

Mind you, he has some problems getting melodramatic and corny whenever there are A) love interests or B) arch nemesises involved, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So anyway, after we get this nice introduction to Jubei, we see a bunch of clones who must have visited the same hat shop that he did riding around in the rain. They ride here, they ride there. They charge over hills in a way that makes their horses float in the air thanks to shoddy animation. They get illuminated by ultra-cool blasts of lighting. And then they stop riding. And we never see them again, as far as I can tell. Why exactly they were in this movie and what purpose they serve is an inscrutible and obscure mystery worthy of the ancient masters, I'd suspect.
So they move on to the next scene, which is so totally disconnected from the six pack of riders that it's daytime, not raining and full of dead people. Seems we have a whole village of people collapsed over in awkward positions with cool spots all over their bodies. And the ravens are having a fun day. "Hey, Nord!" one of them calls. "Looks like this one's decomposing pretty good! And he tastes like chicken!" Of course, I'm lying. Really, all that happened was someone slipped too much Olestra in the water supply, and, well, the eventual happened.

So some guy who has to crouch in the bushes because there are no proper sofas in Japan goes and reports the poisoned village to a local politician of some kind or another...

This is getting monotonous.

You know? Here's my big problem with Ninja Scroll. It's boring. Every time the plot gets in the way of the decapitations, I just tune the hell out. I know, I know, that's such a typically American attitude. "You stupid Americans and your blood soaked rock and roll drug crossdresser satan worshiping hamsterphobia!" foreigners shout at us in unison. And they couldn't be more right. But even so, while I'm sure the subtle underpinnings of betrayal, love, hatred and political manuverings are very exciting to someone on dramamine, I'm going to have to say they made me consider turning on roller derby instead. But I'm glad I didn't, because I don't think a bunch of mean people on inlines going around and around and around can match up to what happened next.

...proceed to 'The Incredibly Useless Minion Ninjas'