---

 "Ah! My Hentai!"
  Episode 1: The Coming of the Goddess, If You Know What I Mean

 A lemon by Twoflower based on characters by Fujishima Kosuke
 (18 and over only, please: very absurd adult material within
  in full defiance of plausibility and common sense.)

    http://pixelscapes.com/amh

---

Author's Foreword:

     Yeah, you heard me.

     LEMON.

     The final step to entering the hallowed halls of immortal fanfic 
authordom is to craft a story intended for naughty people with evil little 
thoughts.  I've been wanting to do one for awhile now, but didn't have any 
ideas that didn't feel awkward or unworkable.  A Slayers idea got some 
headway before folding under the weight of its own series (which had el zippo 
erotic overtones other than mild fanservice).  I needed something that would 
WORK.  Something crazy and ecchi and wild and fun.

     When you think of mindless loopy hardcore sex, of COURSE the first thing 
to come to mind is Aa! Megami-sama.  Assuming you have my kind of brain.  If 
you do... I fear for you.  Seriously.

     If you're looking for an honest and realistic portrayal of modern 
relationships, maybe you should find some WAFFy Ranma/Akane story.  Also, if 
you read this expecting accurate canon characterization and such, I reserve 
the right to mock you openly.  Call it an elseworlds; I have plans for how 
each character is different in this remix.  If Pioneer can get away with 
screwing up Tenchi every season, I can play 23-Skiddoo on the AMS universe.  
Waiwai!

     For those of you seeking non-hentai work of mine, hit 
http://pixelscapes.com/slayers for lots of phun Slayers hijinks I'm very 
proud of.  Hope you like it, and feedback other than 'Jesus will get you' or 
'Write more Slayers before I shoot this puppy' is more than welcome!  And if 
this is not your cup of tea, don't blame me for your voluntarily swallowing 
of the arsenic... but give it a chance.  'Lemon' != 'Crap' by default.  (Too 
many otaku dump on lemons and turn their noses up at them in some Charles 
Winchesterian snit-fit as if such things are beneath them, thus missing out 
on some fun reading...)

     As with all my stuff, it will be web-archived complete with works in 
progress for your prereading fun.  Fanart of any kind is also accepted 
because I'm a lonely man in a desolate hole who needs the false flame of hope 
to light the empty husk of his existence and he also likes web counter hits 
very much from pr0n dweebs.

    P.S. - Yes, I wrote Okonomiyaki Orgy.  What, the Newton wasn't a tipoff?  

    P.S.2 - In an effort to bridge the gap between newbies and veterans and 
lend a 'helping hand' to my fellow man, Japanese words in this fanfic will be 
translated with stared (*) footnotes for the Otaku Impaired.

---
---

     Ninety seven.

     Ninety eight.

     Ninety nine...

     "One hundred!" he announced, finishing his strokes with a relieved 
sigh... and setting down the comb.  He patted his freshly combed hair, which 
was teased upward to absolute perfection.  Tonight was to be a most excellent 
night indeed.

     Leather jacket, check.  Super cool shades, check.  Single earring on the 
side of his head that stated he was not gay, check.  'Eau d'Bravo' cologne 
for men who like to score, check.  There was only one item remaining on the 
task list before tonight's amusements could begin.

     The scrawny/scruffy underclassman walked into his room, trying to fit on 
a jacket that went out of style with New Kids on the Block.  "Ootaki-
sempai(*), I don't think I have any... what did you call it?"
                                                     * a sort of shoe that
                                                       is strapped around
                                                       the ankle w/duct tape
     "Fresh gear.  Waka wear.  Fly threads," Ootaki iterated, giving the 
young boy a looksee.  "And no, you don't.  But that's okay.  You're not 
coming with us, Morisato."

     "Ehhh?" Keiichi Morisato gasped.  "Why not?  I thought--"

     "See, it's like this, kohai(*).  You know those parts we ordered 
overnight delivery for the new racing cycle?  The shipping guys called up and 
said they'd be a little late, and to leave the light on for 'em so to speak.  
So we need you here to sign off on the delivery so they're ready in time for 
tomorrow.  That means no, you won't be going to the club with us.  Sorry, 
kid."
                                                    * a type of fish, usually 
                                                      grilled with creamy
                                                      butter sauce
     "But... but that's the third time I haven't been able to go!" Keiichi 
complained.  "Last time it was because the garage needed cleaning, and before 
then I had to do your physics homework!"

     "Heyyy, don't let it get you down.  You're not missing anything," Ootaki 
said, stroking his hair a few more times for extra height.  "You don't seem 
to fit the club scene, anyway.  It's all drinking and dancing and loose 
chicks and loud music.  Last time I took you out you stuck to the wallpaper 
like... like..."

     "A fly?"

     "Like wallpaper," Ootaki completed.  "So hey, no big deal.  Besides, 
you've got the rest of your college life ahead of you to, you know, get funky 
and get down with your bad self.  One night off won't hurt.  Not that you'd 
succeed if you tried."

     "What's that supposed to mean?"

     Ootaki went like this: "Hrm." He scratched his chin, trying to think of 
how best to state it.  "Keiichi... well... okay, to put it bluntly... erm... 
you're a wuss."

     "A wuss?!"

     "You can't talk to girls to save your life, you've probably never been 
kissed, and you turn redder than Tamiya's cherry red '57 Chevy whenever the 
subject of sex comes up.  I mean, how are you going to walk up to some chick 
and say 'Hey baby, wanna be my love slave?' when your throat locks tighter 
than a wing nut?  So really, you can see taking you anywhere would be a waste 
of time and it'd be in the motorcycle club's best interests to have you wait 
here for the parts.  No no, no need to thank me.  That's the spirit, Keiichi!  
Loyalty and dedication for the Club's burning pride!  Gotta roll.  Later."

     The dashing senior engineering major gave a little salute, and closed 
the door.

     "H-Hey, I am NOT A WUSS!" Keiichi shouted at the door... realizing it 
was too late.  His fabulous evening plans were now shot.

     Not that he had any real plans.

     Or any real desire to go.  It just never worked out... his sempai would 
always end up with hot dates and laughter and drinks and dancing and 
conversation and Keiichi would just smile and nod along.  It just wasn't his 
scene.  Ootaki was absolutely right.

     The problem was that Keiichi was a true hopeless romantic.

     Emphasis on hopeless.

     He liked long walks on the beach.  Holding hands.  Those little heart-
shaped boxes of various chocolates.  Walking together under an umbrella, just 
an ordinary loving couple, looking into each other's eyes and...

     ...and if he couldn't even TALK to a girl all that stuff would be 
staying on the Lifetime channel.  High expectations plus weak will did not 
equal eternal happiness; the dream was just as unattainable as some guys who 
wanted nothing but 'chicks with big hooters'.  It was just an unattainable 
dream which ran in the opposite direction.

     Keiichi groaned, and slumped down to sit behind the traditional little 
tables covered in quilts with space heaters beneath them that were popular in 
Japan despite being fire hazards.  It was for the best that he didn't go with 
them... even if he wanted to, he just couldn't get his act together.  He 
should just sit here, wait for the parts, and be content.

     Contentment lasted for three minutes, before his stomach growled.

     The LEAST Ootaki could've done was loan him some money.  They were going 
to grab a bite to eat before hitting the club, and now Keiichi was high and 
dry... sure, the empty pizza boxes and ramen(*) cups littered around the dorm 
room were high in fiber but low on taste.  Being a typical guy's college 
hangout, any surface not covered in empty food containers was covered in 
empty beer cans and failing that, used underwear.  Maybe there was food 
buried somewhere under the boxer shorts and briefs and things, but Keiichi 
was positive it wouldn't be very appealing at this point.
                                                          * a variant of
                                                            Tungsten
     Since real college guys wouldn't know a food processor from a weed 
whacker, the only solution was to order out.  Keiichi fumbled in his pockets 
for one of the many prepaid phone cards his parents had sent him to school 
with, and took the receiver off its cradle.  Punching in a sequence of 
Sprint-approved numbers that took him three full minutes to enter, he was all 
set to give 'Hutto no Pizza' his order.

     "Moshi moshi?(*)  I'd like one small pepperoni with extra cheese," 
Keiichi said, pulling a wad of crumpled up bills from his pocket.  "And... 
since I've got a little extra, put in a two liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
                                                         * lit. 'Your mother
                                                           is a lap dancer'
     'Hello, this is the Goddess Relief office,' a pleasant female voice 
spoke on the other end of the line.  'A representative will be with you 
shortly.  In the meantime, please enjoy this music.  This has not been a 
recording.'

     The Girl From Ipanema burbled out of his phone.

     "Ah, excuse me?" Keiichi asked, getting up to shake some feeling into 
his foot (which had gone to sleep).  Hopping on one leg, he passed the mirror 
Ootaki was styling his hair in.  "What office?  Um.  I'd like a pepperoni and 
WAAAGH!!"

     The face staring back at him in the mirror had on makeup and a nice 
smile.  Keiichi was reasonably sure he hadn't applied blush and lipstick 
today.

     He dropped the phone, falling flat on his ass as the vision of 
loveliness in flowing colored robes floated out of the mirror.  The silvery 
surface rippled, like a pebble tossed into a pond or the flow of simulated 
metallic liquid in a Cyberdyne Systems T-1000.

     The woman ignored gravity's irresistible pull since falling out of the 
air wouldn't be graceful, and landed neatly to kneel in front of Keiichi and 
bow formally.

     "Hello," she introduced.  "My name is Belldandy, and I'm from the 
Goddess Relief Office.  I'm here to handle your case, Morisato-san()*."
                                                        * honorific, meaning
                                                          'wax on, wax off'
     "You just came out of my mirror!!" Keiichi shouted, pointing to the 
offending reflective surface and letting his jaw sag.

     "As per your request, I'm here to grant any one wish you may have, as 
per the Lord's contract with mankind in regards to minor miracles and 
deserving people, sub paragraph six, section nine," Belldandy recited.  
"Please make sure you ask for a receipt once--"

     "Holy cow, you just went THROUGH a mirror!  And it's not broken or 
anything!"

     "...yes, that's how I get around.  Now, about your wish--"

     Keiichi was too busy trying to peek through the inch of darkness between 
the standing mirror and the wall.  "I don't see any holes back here.  No 
tunnels or anything.  Do you live next door?  I thought this was a guy's only 
dorm--"

     "Morisato-san!!"

     "...uh, yes?"

     The Goddess repeated her sales pitch.

     "Whoa," Keiichi replied.

     "I can understand you're a little surprised," Belldandy continued, 
although her six foot thick patience was wearing thin (5'9").  "It's 
understandable, sir.  But it's the truth.  I am here to grant you any one 
wish you desire."

     "This is a joke, right?" Keiichi asked, suspicious.  "Ootaki has to be 
pulling my chain here... what if I wished for something really awful, like... 
like an Olsen twins marathon or something?"

     "Oh, sir!  Naturally, applicants are pre-approved not to be the sort 
that would wish something as atrocious upon the planet," Belldandy laughed.  
"It's quite an organized system.  Now then, your wish...?"

     (It should be noted that Keiichi almost asked for a pizza, which would 
have made his life very different from that point onward and made this tale 
considerably shorter.  Both can be seen as negative things.  Still, on the 
positive side, he wouldn't have ended up going to bed hungry.)

     This is a joke, Keiichi thought.  Ootaki's making fun of me.  He thinks 
that even if you dangled an 'easy catch' in front of me, I'd mumble and mess 
it up.  A gentle-hearted romantic could only be pushed so far before he 
pushed back, and he'd call the bluff!

     Putting on his most macho voice, Keiichi pointed dramatically to the 
young lady, and made his demand.

     "Baby, I wish I had a hot chick like you to be my eternal love slave!" 
Keiichi belted out, trying not to have his voice crack an octave in the 
process.  "Hoohah!!"

     ...and the goddess stared at him in shock.

     "...or I'd say that if I was like Ookami, so you can go tell him I get 
the joke, ha ha," Keiichi said, downshifting back into Mild Mannered Keiichi.  
"Sorry to waste your time, but I know he's just kidding around, ma'am--"

     There was once this episode of the X-Files way back in like season one 
or season two, where Mulder was poking around an alien crash site.  The men 
in black got him, of course, and tossed him in with the other UFO nuts who 
were looking around including this one guy whose name Keiichi couldn't 
recall, but he probably wore a hat and he definitely claimed he was taken by 
aliens and at the end of the episode they took him again, and there was this 
awesome looking blue pillar of light that made him float in the air and made 
the air kick up and stuff swirl around him much in the way the empty ramen 
cups and boxer shorts and engineering textbooks were swirling around 
Belldandy right now as her forehead glowed and a pillar of holy light 
engulfed her.

     For the second time that night, Keiichi experienced a liquid drop of 
purified panic.  He hit the deck and covered his head to avoid getting a 
serious concussion from a stray copy of Electrical Engineering 301 For 
Dummies.  He was also screaming a great deal, not that it could be heard over 
the noise and the sounds of angels singing and so on.

     Once the noise and the light stopped he was very aware he was still 
screaming, and decided to stop screaming for awhile.  He peeked out from 
under a small mountain of Guy Litter(tm), at the woman who was still kneeling 
in front of him.

     "...your wish has been granted," Belldandy spoke... smiling. "Master."
 
     If Keiichi was a more coarse kind of guy, the following statement would 
have involved a very unsavory word or two.

     "Oh dear," he whispered.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

   (Eyecatch sequence of a slot machine coming up three lemons goes here)

 Ah! My Hentai is brought to you by the letters F and U, and the number 69.
          Not for sale or rent. Contents may be harmful if ingested.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     In that moment, everything changed.

     The placid and graceful young woman in flowing robes didn't change.  She 
was still quite peaceful and quite graceful, and obviously her clothing 
didn't change.  But... SOMETHING had changed.  Her kneeling with her hands in 
her lap was no longer an official formality and more of a FORMAL formality.  
If that made any sense.

     "As you have requested, I am now your eternal love slave," Belldandy 
spoke, voice sounding far more breathy than the simple civil servant she was 
previously.  "So it shall be word, bond, and law of the Lord."

     95% of Keiichi's brain locked in terror.  The other 5% had to ask out of 
sheer curiosity, "Does He really approve of that sort of thing?"

     "He moves in mysterious ways," Belldandy noted... as she started to 
crawl over on all fours like an extra in a Madonna video.  (In direct 
response, Keiichi's pulse reached the BPS of 'Ray of Light'.)  "Master, what 
is your command?  I'm ready to pleasure you in any way you may desire.  
Speak, and I shall perform to your liking."

     "Gah gah gah gah gah gah," Keiichi commanded.

     "Pardon?" Bell asked, her vamp act broken by the confusion.

     Keiichi smacked himself a few times to get his act together.  I didn't 
help.  "Gh.. wh... what are you talking about!?" he asked despite knowing 
what she was talking about.  "I was kidding!  I wasn't really making a wish, 
I mean... I'm not REALLY interested in anything like that!"

     "You aren't?" Belldandy asked.  "Are you...?"  She waggled her hand.

     "No no, I just mean... I thought it was a joke!  Can't I get a refund or 
something?"

     "All wishes are final," Belldandy explained, scooting closer (Keiichi 
scooting away).  "Come now, it's not that bad, is it?  Aren't I pretty, 
master?  I could make you very happy..."

     "Is this REALLY how a goddess is supposed to act?"

     "What's that supposed to mean?" Belldandy asked, her patience wearing 
down further (now at 5'7" thickness).

     "I thought... you know... feathery wing things, harps, innocent 
beauty... glowing rings over your heads and all..."

     "I don't have wings, I play piano but I'm still learning, I'd like to 
think I'm beautiful, I don't think I've got one of those, and I am your 
eternal love slave," Belldandy recited.  "You know, the wish would have been 
rejected by Yggdrasil if you *really* didn't want it."

     "WHAT?!" Keiichi blurted, as he bumped against a bookshelf and was 
blocked from further escape.  "H-Hey!  I am NOT that kind of guy!"

     "Maybe you just don't realize it yet," Belldandy smiled, skulking closer 
and closer.  "Maybe I can help you..."

     Keiichi raised an arm to nudge her advances away.  "Now, listen here--"

     *clik* as his elbow nudged the button on Ootaki-sempai's stereo.  The 
little green LED readout flicked on and the disc advanced to track one of the 
Soundtrack to 'Shaft', which was helpfully left in the player from his 
sempai's marathon funk music listening sessions.

     Belldandy clapped once, overjoyed.  "Good selection, master!  See?  You 
know what you want.  Allow me to help..."

     A soft unzipping sound could be heard alongside the smooth beats of 
Issac Hayes, and a draft was felt.  Much to Keiichi's surprise / shock / 
horror / confusion / astonishment, his (admittedly quite average) length 
popped to full attention, ready to go.

     Those same eyes which watched Little Keiichi stand up proudly watched as 
the goddess bent down, and wrapped her moist lips around him.

     It's a well known phenomenon that panic is capable of befuddling the 
mind's ability to look at a situation logically.  Chemicals from various 
glands designed to mask the brain's processes are excreted, jumbling neurons, 
causing synapses to misfire until thoughts turn into a crazed game of Mad 
Libs played by the imagination's looniest facets.

     While this is true, it's also true that EXTREME panic can cause an 
unnatural sobriety.  Once you go through panic and out the side, the mind 
forces itself to take stock of its problems so as not to overheat and crash.

     As Keiichi stared unblinkingly at the woman who was giving him the first 
blowjob of his life, the mind was busy cataloguing and cross-referencing the 
experience for later examination.  Notably:

     ...this was the first time a woman who wasn't related to him touched him 
in any way whatsoever.

     ...the last time he was touched there by another person was during his 
most recent doctor's examination.

     ...he was not a complete neophyte and knew exactly what was being done 
to him, what it was named in nasty and nice ways, and what it looked like in 
glossy photographs.

     ...he was the sort of person who sought an emotional, meaningful 
relationship with a nice girl who he could spend storybook days and nights 
with in a dreamy romance of the ages rather than a cheap roll in the hay.

     ...and none of this either prepared him for or gave him the power to 
resist the fact that he felt VERY, VERY GOOD.

     Keiichi pressed up against the bookcase as his body stiffened in shock, 
knocking a few textbooks off one end and accidentally raising the volume of 
the stereo.

     Words like 'warm' and 'wet' bubbled up in his mind, as Belldandy played 
her tongue along his length... she wasn't simply sucking like an amateurish 
vacuum cleaner, she was licking, teasing, stroking with her fingers, giving 
him the royal treatment even if he was like a deer in headlights before her 
ministrations.  First her soft pink tongue would slide from base to tip, 
before flicking lightly atop his rod... then her lips would open wider, and 
she'd go down the path again, her hair bobbing lightly as she did so...

     This isn't what I want, part of his mind was yelling.  I'm looking for 
the perfect princess, the one true thing, the ideal.  I shouldn't be enjoying 
this!

     A part of him that rarely got a chance to speak up snottily reminded the 
other part that once he had that perfect princess, what was he expecting to 
do with her, browse Reader's Digest together all night?  Nuts to that.

     Nuts being what Belldandy was lightly cupping in her hand as she 
continued, which was driving Keiichi over the edge at subsonic speeds.  Given 
that the last time he'd felt this way was when he was seeing his 'five little 
friends' a week or two ago, he wasn't going to last long enough to...

     Make that didn't last long, as he gasped his held-in breath at long 
last, and sagged against the bookcase.  His face had the same rictus look of 
surprise it had going into this... but there was a glazed-over sense of 
relief to his eyes.

     Belldandy politely wiped her mouth on her sleeve (which stayed clean, 
being heavenly in nature), and checked Keiichi's vital signs.  Giggling a 
little at the boy's obvious shock with no small amount of pride for having 
caused it, she poked at his nose lightly with her index finger, trying to get 
some reaction.  "You can blink now," she reminded him.

     He blinked.

     "Wasn't that good?" Belldandy asked, leaning in closer.  "And you can 
have that any time, since your wish has come true.  I'll be living with you 
from now on, master--"

     The train of Keiichi's thought derailed into his stream of consciousness 
when the brick wall of hard reality popped up.

     "Living with me?" Keiichi asked.  "Wait, you're what?"

     "I have a contract to fulfill, remember?  I'm staying with you, master.  
I'm looking forward to it. ...although this place is rather untidy.  No 
worries, I'll have it cleaned up in a day.  Do you have any rubber gloves?  
And maybe some extras, for later on tonight?--"

     "Whoa, whoa... um, chotto matte(*)," Keiichi mumbled, trying to get his 
satisfyingly limp item back in his pants without crippling himself on the 
zipper.  "You can't live with me!  This is a guy's only dorm!  We can't even 
have visitors!  Don't you have, like, a fluffy cloud to go back to or 
something?  We'll get kicked out of here if you stay!"
                                                      * a kind of chocolate
                                                        beverage (in 6 packs)
     Because the universe likes nothing more than a good chuckle, that's the 
exact moment Keiichi's sempai decided to come home.

     The door was kicked open by a few rowdy, quite drunk upperclassmen who 
were clearly intending to keep the party going.  They waved around beer cans, 
sang drinking songs that would make a tomato blush, and... stopped dead in 
their tracks on seeing Belldandy and Keiichi in a thankfully less 
compromising position than they had been in one minute previous.

     Ootaki pushed his way to the head of the herd, and adjusted his shades 
to get a better view of the action.

     "Keiichi!  What are you doing?!" he blared.

     "S-Sempai!  I just this isn't look you don't understand I don't it's not 
what you think--"

     "Is THAT," Ootaki accused, pointing an accusing finger at the subject of 
accusation, "A delicate young woman who you were charming in our most sacred 
dormitory with MY funkadelic groovy music collection while we were out 
partying!?  Answer me!!"

     "I wouldn't say I was charming her--"

     "He's very charming," Belldandy spoke up, feeling that SOMEONE had to 
try and defend Keiichi's honor.  "Charming, handsome, strong, and tasty!"

     Ootaki's beer can clattered to the ground, as Ootaki stalked into the 
room.  Keiichi got to his feet, looking for an escape route and failing to 
find one.  "MORISATO!  You've had this coming for a long time!!"

     ...and Ootaki grabbed Keiichi, locked his head under one arm...

     And noogied him.

     "You SLY DOG!" Ootaki laughed.  "So that's why you never hit on chicks 
when you were out with us!  You were gettin' a little on the side and were 
too humble to tell us!  You're a better man than I, Keiichi-kun!(*)"
                                                  * honorific, meaning
                                                    'you magnificent bastard'
     "If nff lffk fhht ht ll!!" Keiichi shouted into Ootaki's armpit.  Then 
he inhaled and immediately regretted it.

     "Everybody, listen up!" Ootaki shouted, releasing the headlock.  
"Tonight, we party not just for the righteous fury of the motorcycle club!  
We party to celebrate Morisato's emergence into manhood!  Today, he is a 
WARRIOR!"

     Keiichi was running out of ellipses as he responded to this new bout of 
surreal madness with his usual cunning style.  As the boys popped open fresh 
brewskis and raised the roof, Belldandy gave him a supportive pat on the 
shoulder, a wink, a bright smile and a thumbs up.

     Someone pressed a stale beer into Keiichi's hands.  He held it out of 
some instinctive bodily reaction to stimulus rather than a conscious decision 
process.

     "We shall celebrate until dawn breaks over the horizon!" Ootaki 
declared.  "Keiichi, be proud!  We honor you!"

     "...yay?" Keiichi cheered, waving a little rising sun fan weakly.

     "Of course, you still broke dormitory rules by turning our hallowed 
halls into your private love nest and for that you're going to have to be 
kicked out of the building.  Grab him, boys."

     As if whisked away on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Keiichi found himself lifted 
into the air and carried hand over hand through the rowdy college fratboy 
crowd.  After 5.4 seconds, he was dumped unceremoniously on the grass outside 
the building.  Somehow, he didn't spill his beer during the process.

     A few loaded suitcases flew out after him, tumbling to a halt.

     They were nice enough not to chuck his new goddess out the door.  She 
walked out under her own power, after saying a few pleasant goodbyes and 
bowing a few times.

     Feeling an extreme need for it, Keiichi chugged the entire can of beer 
before tossing it away.

     "Well... at least they were happy for you," Belldandy said, trying to 
make the situation look brighter.  She sat next to him on the ground, not 
wanting to loom over the boy.  "I think you've earned a lot of respect with 
your friends now.  They'll never look at you the same way again."

     "My life is over," Keiichi announced, a small cloud of purple-black 
gloom hanging over his head as if placed there by an ACME Rain Cloud 
Generator.  "There's no way I'm going to be able to get on-campus housing 
again.  It's mid-semester and every building is crammed.  I don't have any 
relatives in the area, I don't have any money, and I'm still hungry.  This 
has been the worst night of my entire life, and it's ALL your....."

     He turned sharply to rain down condemnation and fury on the... confused 
and innocent looking goddess beside him.  The internal winter of Keiichi's 
discontent settled into a mild autumn.

     "Master?" she asked, puzzled.

     Mustering up courage, he tried again.  "It's all YOUR..."

     ...poof.  No go.

     Even if she was the root of his problems, even if she had ruined his 
life, he couldn't yell at her.  He kept trying to think of her badly... as a 
tramp, a weirdo, a ditz, a... the words evaporated before he could think too 
hard about them.  He just wasn't a mean person, especially not to a girl.  A 
girl who, in her own... VERY unusual little way, was just trying to help--

     "I'm sorry."

     "Wha?" Keiichi bumbled, his thoughts screeching to a halt.

     "I'm sorry," Belldandy said, looking aside a moment.  "This is my fault.  
I could blame the system, the contract... but I'm the reason you lost your 
home.  It's okay, master.  I know you're trying not to hurt my feelings, but 
I already feel bad about this.  You can blame me."

     Oh goddess, Keiichi thought.  As if he didn't feel like a heel before...

     "I think... we're kinda both to blame," Keiichi decided, trying to see 
this from a different side.  "I'm the one who took your wish as a joke and 
caused this problem.  You're the one who told Ootaki I was 'tasty'."

     "But I was telling the truth.  Honesty is the best policy, right?"

     "Yeah... in general, yeah.  But we could've covered.  Fudged it a 
little.  Said you were a visiting relative, or that you stopped in because 
your car broke down, or... no.  Nevermind.  It's too late, right?" Keiichi 
reminded her.  "Let's forget about blame.  Let's just figure out what happens 
next.  Now then--"

     A warm feeling shot up the left side of Keiichi's body as his recent 
acquisition glommed onto him with a pleasant hug.

     "That's the spirit, master!" she chimed.  "You're very nice to me.  
Thank you!  We'll see this through, I promise!"

     "Ghh," Keiichi said, not feeling the chill of the night air anymore.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     The metal railing whisked by so fast it became a blur.  Whoosh, whoosh, 
whoosh.  Metal curved and styled to keep those travelling on the road from 
plunging over the side to the valley below.

     A forest filled that valley, full of trees; brooding and silent in the 
light of the moon, a patch of chaotic natural life that was testament to His 
glorious creation.  Animals likely lived down there, sleeping through the 
midnight hour or hunting or gathering... an entire world onto itself that she 
could only see from afar.

     "It's a lot like Earth," Belldandy whispered.

     "What?" Keiichi spoke up, over the puttering noise of his motorcycle.  
He glanced from the road to check on Belldandy, who had been riding quietly 
in the sidecar for quite some time now.

     "Oh, just thinking," Belldandy replied, leaning back a bit and smiling.  
"I'm glad to be here.  I rarely get to come down to Earth, you know.  Maybe 
for five minutes every few weeks, on job orders..."

     "I'm glad I could provide you a paid vacation," Keiichi grumbled.

     "Oh, I don't see it that way, master!" Belldandy replied.  "This is my 
career.  I've got a duty to perform to the best of my ability, and I take 
pride in my work!  I promise to serve you well in the years to come in any 
and all sexual capacities!"

     The cycle wobbled dangerously on the winding road, before Keiichi 
regained some measure of control.

     Belldandy clamped a hand on the side of the sidecar (appropriately 
enough), easing her grip only when the bike stabilized.  "Is something wrong, 
master?" she asked.

     "...nothing, Belldandy," Keiichi sighed.

     She looked at him curiously, not quite sure what was wrong.  Just as she 
hadn't been sure what was wrong earlier tonight.

     Didn't she fulfill the wish?  Perhaps it was made in jest, but the 
system would have rejected a complete lie.  That was a safeguard to prevent 
someone from wasting their wish.  And yet, when she came onto him and he came 
into her, so to speak, it was like pulling blood from a stone.  Not in the 
literal or semi-figurative sense, since he clearly had been easy to pop, but 
in terms of acceptance.

     It made very little sense.  She was doing her job perfectly and he 
seemed to resent her for it.  Was it possible for the system to have gone 
wrong?  Was she doing the right thing, contractually bound or not?

     Belldandy shrank a bit inside the sidecar, worry taking over her desire 
to enjoy the scenery.  She would have to redouble her efforts; there was no 
other way to ensure she was fulfilling her duty.  And yet... she would also 
have to look into this.  Something wasn't right.

     The two rode on in silence, save for the engine's rumble.
     
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Spppuuuuttttputttptutttt.  Sputt.  Ptt.  Pttttt.

     Fsssssssssssshh.

     Creak, whine, squeak, snippt.  The kickstand grazed the asphalt, as 
Keiichi removed his helmet... no point in wearing it now.  They were out of 
gas.

     Modern automobiles had a tendency to drive on for many miles even when 
the needle was on the red 'E' of doom.  This is because car makers assume 
that drivers are morons, and even after repeated beeps and whistles and other 
signals which translate to 'FILL ME UP, DICKWEED' there will always be 
someone seeking to pull another mile out of that baby.

     Keiichi's motorcycle, on the other hand, had been assembled from parts 
by he himself.  He tuned it to his liking; the brake resistance was finely 
honed to his grip strength, the acceleration was ideal for racing or 
transporting, and every bolt was given the precise level of looseness 
required for tight cornering.  He also made sure that when the bike said 'E', 
it meant it, because he was a responsible person who would never let the tank 
go empty anyway.

     Here he was in the middle of nowhere with an empty tank.  A half hour's 
drive from campus, away from the city, and the nearest gas station attendant 
was probably psychically picking up on his despair and laughing and laughing 
and laughing at him.  Keiichi was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he 
pulled all the miles out of that baby that it had to spare.

     He turned to explain the new problem (on top of the old problem) to his 
companion... who was asleep.  He nudged her once or twice, rousing the 
goddess.

     "Are we there yet?" Belldandy asked, rubbing her eyes.

     "If 'there' is the middle of nowhere, yes we are," Keiichi replied.  "We 
have no gas, it's too late for anybody be driving by to help us, and the next 
town is too far away to walk.  At least it can't get any worse."

     Because rainstorms like a grand entrance, a crack of thunder rocked the 
earth just before the clouds above unloaded on his head.

     The goddess looked up, puzzled.  "I thought Yggdrasil was forecasting a 
clear night..?  A little rain won't hurt anybody, though.  And it can't get 
any worse NOW, right master?"

     "In the movies when two motorists out of gas on a country road in the 
rain, don't they usually end up going to an old run down building, where 
things get much worse?" Keiichi asked.

     "Look, Keiichi, it's an old run down building!" Belldandy announced, 
pointing to the gloomy looking structure on a nearby hill.  Lightning 
casually backlit it in a flash of electric flaming sky-death.  "We can take 
shelter from the rain in there!"

     "I'm all for walking to the next town," Keiichi quickly said.

     "Oh, come on.  Life isn't like the movies," Belldandy laughed.

     "Unless it's Debbie Does Dallas?"

     "The update was much better.  Come on!  I have a good feeling about this 
place.  It's so quiet and private and isolated!  Just think of the fun we can 
have, master!"

     "Yay," Keiichi non-cheered.  Then he sneezed violently.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Pushing a fully luggage-loaded motorcycle with sidecar up a winding path 
proved to be harder than it looked, and it had already looked impossible when 
Keiichi began.  But he couldn't just leave it out in the rain, so push he 
did.  The entire trip up to the temple took a half hour of backbreaking work, 
even with Belldandy helping.

     'Temple', because apparently the building was indeed a temple of some 
sort.  From up close the distinctive sloping roof and high walled gardens 
were obvious.  This raised Keiichi's hopes that maybe the building wasn't 
derelict after all, before the gaping holes in the wall and the half-
collapsed roof dashed his hopes to itty-bitty bits.

     What's more, he was sneezing and coughing a lot.  He never heard of a 
stranded motorist in a horror movie dying of pneumonia sixteen feet away from 
the door of the haunted house, but if life wasn't like the movies, then 
perhaps it was a distinct possibility.

     Belldandy, being divine, felt no ill effects from the weather... other 
than worry at each sign of Keiichi's decreasing health.  She pushed harder, 
trying to bear more of the burden of the cycle.  Some cheering up was in 
order; perhaps regaling him with more suggestions of how they can have fun.

     "Master, would you like--"

     "No."

     "But I didn't even say--"

     "No, I wouldn't like," Keiichi replied, sounding more ragged.  His eyes 
were half closed, as he mumbled his words.  "If it's got anything to do with 
sex, forget it and just push."

     "But master--"

     He stopped pushing.

     "Don't call me that," Keiichi snapped (as much as he was capable of 
snapping).  He wobbled a bit as he stood up, clearly half out of it and 
speaking from the core now.  "My name is Keiichi.  Keii.  Chi.  Not master, 
not sir, not my love muffin or anything... anything like... not master.  You 
don't even KNOW me."

     "I do too," Belldandy protested.  "You're Keiichi Morisato.  And we 
really should get inside, the temple isn't that far away now--"

     "How.. how can you use the word 'love' in 'love slave' if you don't know 
me?" Keiichi asked, focusing on a point a foot to the left of Belldandy.  "I 
don't call what.. what we did love.  Was just... just sex... and I want... 
I... I want some hot chocolate.  Don't wanna go to school..."

     First to his knees, then face first in the mud and he began promptly 
snoozing away.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     The inner door to the temple's main building fell off its hinges when 
pushed.  It clattered to the dusty floor; a good sign, since it meant inside 
was dry.

     With all her strength, Belldandy hauled Keiichi into the building.  She 
hurriedly laid him on the floor, and checked his vital signs... which were 
turning up 'Yeild' and 'Stop' and 'No Outlet'.  She wasn't a medical expert, 
but cold clammy flesh and ragged breathing were not signs of robust health.  
He was not going to be springing to life and doing Tae Bo routines any time 
soon, and the only person around to help him was her...

     On one level, Belldandy was his contractually bound willing living 
fantasy and sex toy who would not know what to do if her poor master was in 
trouble and couldn't give her guidance.

     On another level, she was a goddess first class unlimited and not likely 
to take this sort of thing lying down.  And so, taking it to the next level, 
Belldandy rolled up her proverbial sleeves and got it on in a metaphysical 
sense.

     First item on the menu was a healing spell.  As a goddess, she had a 
wide variety of magical powers as would be needed to complete any job 
required of her... usually holy type jobs rather than tossing around magic 
missiles and fireballs and slaying orcs like other spellcasters.  She 
concentrated, focusing the life in nature around her into a...

     There wasn't any life in nature around her.  The soil was black and 
dead.  Nothing grew here.  The rotting wood of the temple and the hacked 
apart stonework had no power left to lend.

     This alone would be no cause of alarm.  She could always take him 
outside of the temple grounds and borrow life from the earth around her.  
However, the complete absence of life was not natural.  It was almost as 
if...

     As if whatever deity this temple enshrined was keeping the place dead.

     In terms of sheer oddity, popping out of a mirror and giving a guy the 
best (and only) oral sex he's ever experienced under contractual obligation 
was peanuts compared to the kind of things gods and goddesses faced when the 
divine shit truly hit the fan.  Belldandy got to her feet quickly, defenses 
and senses up, trying to find who was fighting her...

     The darkness took shape.

     "Might as well," it spoke, flowing and shifting into human form.  
"You've spotted me.  'allo again, Belldandy."

     Despite the imposing status of the gaunt figure with drooping black hair 
and matching cloak sitting upside down on the ceiling, Belldandy was 
surprisingly overjoyed.

     "Shinigami-san!" Belldandy smiled.  "This is YOUR temple?"

     "Not really," the deity spoke, flowing from ceiling to floor to join 
Belldandy on her own plane of gravity.  "I've inherited it.  Used to belong 
to... some minor Shinto spirit, I forget who.  The worshippers abandoned the 
place for jobs in the city, and the spirit transformed into some minor spirit 
for pop singers.  Now, the forgotten temple has been given over to my 
realm... death, decay, and ruin."

     "Nobody does death, decay and ruin better than you do," Belldandy 
complimented politely.  "I'm glad it's you... I was afraid some demon had 
taken up residence."

     "No, just the natural processes of collapse," Shinigami spoke, looking 
around the room with his coal black eyes.  His voice was an even monotone of 
uncaring, naturally.  "As usual, it falls on my shoulders to clean up the 
mess.  It'll take a few hundred years for this place to fully sink back into 
the earth... but hey, it's a job.  Now, what brings you here with this 
mortal?  I thought you were tied to a desk job at the Relief Office for the 
next few centuries."

     "I was," Belldandy said, a mischievous glint in her eye.  "I'm not 
anymore.  I'm free.  I'm under contract to live with my master as his love 
slave!"

     The God of Death, the Great Destroyer, the Omega of All actually wobbled 
a little at the concept of that.  "As his what?  You as his...?  But you--"

     "You knew me years ago, Shinigami.  ...things have changed.  Don't worry 
about that; I'm happy, and that's what's important.  Happy to see you again, 
as well!  But business first.  I need to cast a healing spell on my master, 
so can you withdraw for the time being?"

     "He's mine, Belldandy."

     "...what?" Belldandy asked, her fear that had so quickly been quelled 
starting to rise anew.

     "He walked to my temple to seek its comforts, and these are the only 
comforts death can provide.  That's the way it works, Belldandy, you know the 
rules of the system as well as I.  Nothing can be done."

     "You're joking, right?"

     "I tend not to joke.  I tried once, and the results were simply 
dreadful.  For instance, what did the carpenter say to the glassblower when 
he died?"

     "What?" Belldandy asked, getting confused.

     "Nothing.  See?  Not very funny.  Don't worry, your contract will be 
cancelled once he's been processed.  There's nothing to blame you for here," 
Shinigami assured her.  "You'll have done your duty as well as I have."

     A sad silence fell over the collapsing temple.

     "...I won't allow that," Belldandy said.

     "I know you believe in a strong work ethic, Norn of the Present, but the 
contract--"

     "This is about more than a contract," Belldandy warned.  "My master will 
live.  You will withdraw.  I know we're friends, and I apologize for having 
to do this, but... I'll let them know about what you did in 1845."

     Shinigami didn't flinch.  "God's omniscient, Belldandy.  He already 
knows about... my rather poor decision making at that moment.  He has 
forgiven me, as he forgives all his children."

     "Yes, but the SYSTEM doesn't know.  The red tape won't forgive you so 
easily.  Yggdrasil has no records, because Urd and I helped you erase them," 
Belldandy reminded him sternly... before sagging visibly.  "Please, 
Shinigami-sama... just withdraw from this temple.  Allow me to heal him.  Do 
it for your friend Belldandy, if nothing else."

     "There's going to have to be a leveraging," he warned.  "I had to 
leverage a little to keep Yggdrasil balanced back then, and I will now."

     "What kind of leveraging?"

     "I'm not sure yet.  Maybe in the future, maybe in the past.  I'll look 
into it.  But why do you want me to do this, Belldandy?  What's so important 
about one mortal?  They all die eventually, you know.  Born to the role.  
It's natural for them."

     "I know he'll die one day," Belldandy repeated.  "But it doesn't have to 
be today.  Please, Shinigami..."

     The God of Death sighed, like the last breath of a dying man... and 
smiled.  "I suppose I can arrange matters.  I would hate to see you sad, 
Belldandy.  But please... be careful.  You are a very young goddess compared 
to veterans such as myself.  What decisions you make you must make with 
caution.  I will be seeing you again."

     "I promise to have tea ready for your visit," Belldandy said, smiling in 
relief.

     "Don't be so satisfied," Shinigami warned.  "This will be no small feat, 
and the system is already... slightly unstable.  Perhaps it's my natural 
pessimism, but I feel something is afoot, Belldandy.  I will return if I have 
news, I promise."

     The shadows turned back into ordinary shadows... and the spirit of the 
temple faded, leaving behind a simple broken down building.  It was still 
dark, it was still cold, and it was still spooky.  But it was no longer 
anything more than a building.

     Working quickly, Belldandy's magic flowed from soul to mind to 
fingertips.  Keiichi's breath smoothed out, and his skin flooded with new 
color... he stayed asleep, but it was a comfortable sleep now.

     Of course, even without Shinigami's presence, he did stand a good chance 
of catching his ill again from the cold and the damp.  For this, Belldandy 
didn't have to use any magic whatsoever.

     Her robes fell to the floor softly, making little noise as she stepped 
out of the divine garments.  They vanished to nothingness after being 
discarded; she wouldn't be needing them again, as a businessman wouldn't need 
his three piece suit after coming home from a long day at the office.

     Stepping lightly across the floor, she wrapped herself up in a quilt 
from Keiichi's baggage, and with a little log-rolling got Keiichi himself 
wrapped into it as well.  The warmth from her body and the fluffy down 
comforter (only 2000 yen at your local shopping district) would suffice for 
the night, until she could... tidy up, as it were, around the temple.

     She looked into Keiichi's (closed) eyes, feeling his warm breath on her 
face as she snuggled in next to him, putting her arms around him to keep him 
from rolling away.

     There was a reason she did everything.  She took the risk, worked the 
system and got what she wanted.  Shinigami wouldn't have understood; he had a 
few emotions, but they were awkward and clumsy ones at times.  But she knew 
in her heart what the reasons were.

     You don't know me, Keiichi had accused.  Words from the heart.

     "I don't know you yet, master," Belldandy agreed, whispering to his 
sleeping ear.  "But I want to know you.  You could have thrown me out.  You 
could have used me without caring about me at all.  You could have done any 
number of awful things and I would have had to accept it as your slave, as 
part of the contract... but you didn't do anything like that.  You were nice 
to me even when you weren't happy with what I am.  If I'm going to have a 
master, I'd want it to be someone like you.  I'll just have to try to get to 
know the real you as well... Keiichi-sama."

     As she drifted to sleep, the night continued on, in an uneventful and 
pleasantly mundane sort of way.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Morning.

     Mornings sucked.  Keiichi was the sort to have pep and energy all the 
live long day, never really given to lethargic couch potato naps or chronic 
daytime television watching... but mornings, those he couldn't cope with.  
They involved a lot of dozing back to sleep, some false alarms where he 
thought he was ready to wake up but really wasn't, and eventually enough 
stretching to satisfy the requirements for an Olympic gymnastics team.

     That particular morning he lazily untangled himself from the quilt he 
was tucked into, got up, stretched, scratched, belched and slumped lazily 
from the living room to the kitchen of the temple.

     Of the temple?

     It was barely recognizable, having been somehow restored to pristine 
order and nicely furnished, but this was the temple.  The temple he had 
walked up to after the bike ran out of gas.  Why did the bike run... oh, 
right, he had to find somewhere to live.  Because he got kicked out of the 
dorm, because of...

     Her.

     Belldandy turned away from her cooking, to give him a sweet smile.  
"Hello, Keiichi-sama!" she greeted.  "Breakfast will be ready shortly.  I set 
up a small bathhouse just outside, if you'd like to freshen up before 
eating... or have a full body massage after you finish your meal."

     Of course, she was wearing an apron to avoid the agony of accidental 
grease spills.  Of course, she wasn't wearing anything else.

     "Excuse me while I hate my life.  Ahhh.  Oogh.  Arrgh.  ...okay, I'll be 
right back after brushing my teeth.  ...is that bacon?"

     "Bacon and oysters!" Belldandy confirmed.  "I know it sounds a little 
strange, but I think you'll like it.  It's very good for stamina."

     "Yay," Keiichi cheered weakly.  But as he sniffed the air, he had to 
admit... it was tempting.  Bacon always smelled awful if you didn't cook it 
right, but this was like someone had run around the kitchen spraying a can of 
perfume marked 'Bacon no.5' in the air...

     Part of him looked forward to breakfast and part of him looked on in 
horror at what his life had become.  But everybody has a few parts to deal 
with in life.(*)

                                                          * TO BE CONTINUED